The Hitcher (2007)

This week I review a remake of an 80s movie I won’t be watching

When I was a kid I used to be terrified of the Horror movie aisle at Blockbuster. My mother would walk down it constantly, despite knowing I was scared so I would have to cover my eyes and run as fast as possible. You know, just in case the movies grew legs and chased me down the aisle obviously. This is the exact movie cover I would have seen on a display and had a nightmare about. Not everyone appreciates a good one-hour and 25-minute movie, but I do!

I review everything purely off vibes and if I had fun. I might occasionally reference cinematography, but I’m not gonna talk about shots and coloring and whatever because who cares? I’m no film bro. The vibes are as follows: How many memorable scenes are there? How cute are the clothes? Did I laugh? Did the people I went with find it entertaining?

Quick movie recap: The Hitcher is a remake on the 80s movie that goes by the same exact name. It’s about a couple that’s going on a road trip to somewhere (if they specified I honestly wasn’t listening) and basically get manipulated into giving a hitchhiker a ride to a motel. He obviously attacks them both and they kick him out the car. Cut to the next day and he hitched a ride with a family that he brutally murders. The couple get involved because white people are incapable of minding their business and he spends a weekend stalking them throughout like Arkansas or New Mexico or something.

I will say I’m confused as to why this is billed as a horror movie when it wasn’t remotely scary. The hitchhiker defies just all sorts of movie logic and somehow successfully ties a grown man to two semi-trucks that pull him apart. He also shoots down a helicopter with just a pistol in a scene that is very hilariously set to Closer by Nine Inch Nails. I like how Michael Bay can never figure out what he wants his movies to be because it gives it so much character. Action? Horror? Supporting the military industrial complex? Who knows? Not Michael Bay!

How many memorable scenes are there?

Here is the above mentioned for your viewing pleasure. I hope you laughed as hard as I did.

I saw this clip on Twitter and knew I needed to watch.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” “I don’t feel a thing.” 1000/10! So cunty!

How cute are the clothes?

Sophia Bush was honestly serving final girl realness in her denim mini skirt and brown tank top. I watched the entire Resident Evil franchise a week before this and I think it’s so funny how every final girl wears as little clothing as possible.

Did I laugh?

Hysterically too.

Did the people I watch it with find it entertaining?

This one was a solo viewing, unfortunately.

Also, I will be starting a Letterboxd list of 2000s teen slashers. This was so Sorority Row, The Roommate, The Stepfather-coded. I need a funny name though, so I will be taking suggestions. We are in a severe drought of horror films that play Dad Rock during the end credits. It’s literally so badass.

Rating: 6/10 or 3/5 for my Letterboxd baddies!